I will never let her go
by Cimriel
Summary: It has been three years since Inuyasha left Kagome in her own time and he has had to learn to live without her. This is a one shot about the pain he has gone through and his hope that they will one day be reunited. Spoilers for Inuyasha Manga Chapter 558


+ Ok guys..This is my first ever real fan fiction (so please don't judge me too harshly), though god knows I've read millions, and I wrote it after reading the very last chapter of the Inuyasha Manga…Though I loved it and was so pleased by the ending I felt like there needed to be a lot more said….

So here's a passage from Inuyasha's point of view of how's he felt after he left Kagome side and how he was able to endure.

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No matter how many days pass, no matter how many suns rise and sink beyond the horizon, it hurts. It always hurt each and every time I visited the old Bone Eater's Well. It is there that I sit now, the tips of my fingers softly running over the coarse wooden texture while I shut my eyes tight, trying my best not to fall apart.  
Though a part of me hopes every time I come here that the pain will lessen, or slowly fade away it never does. It is foolish to even think that way. This huge hole, this gaping wound I have in my heart never closes, and only becomes worse with every passing day.

I knew what pain was. I knew what it felt like to have my stomach torn apart, I knew what it felt like to be crippled over with hunger pains after going days without eating. And I knew what it felt like to have a arrow piece straight through my heart. Though I had endured all of this, nothing came close to the aching pain I had felt these last three years.

"Kagome." I whisper outloud, and I can hear the longing in my own voice as I lean my head against the side of the well. "Kagome…" I say again, my voice sounding even more broken than before.

I hated being like this. I hated this weakness, this aching that had been slowly draining the life out of me ever since the day the Shikon no tama had been destroyed…. the day I had let Kagome go, without a goodbye.

It had been the hardest thing I had ever done. Only moments before, Kagome had been right there in my arms, holding me, telling me she wanted to be with me. My heart had soared in a way I had not thought possible. When she wished the Shikon no Tama away and it disappeared, every hope and every dream that had kept me wide awake these last few years seemed to finally be coming true. Kagome and I, at last, would be together like I had always dreamed.

I could finally tell her the secrets of my heart. I could tell her that she was everything to me. That I had never loved anyone or anything the way I loved her. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life at her side. When she held me tight in return, it was all too easy to believe that she felt the same and that we would never be parted again.

But I had let myself live in a fantasy. I had let hope overcome me, and was not prepared when reality came crashing down painfully. That moment happened when Kagome and I were suddenly taken through the well back to her own time after the sacred jewel was destroyed. Almost immediately after, before we could say one word to each other, Kagome's family came through the wellhouse doors in tears, obviously devastated by there lost.

Kagome's hand had been firmly clutched in mine at this time, but I she abruptly pulled away so that she could run into her family's arms. I felt the sudden loss of contact instantly, and my heart swelled in pain. For a moment I stood there, silently watching as Kagome and her family desperately clung to one another. They loved each other so.

I looked down at my empty hand and then back up to Kagome and knew what I had to do. I had to leave her. I had to let her live her life in her own time, surrounded by those who needed and loved her. Though I felt a sickening pain at the idea of living without her, my heart lifted at the idea that Kagome could be happy, even if it was without me.

I didn't give myself any time to rethink my plan, knowing I would never be able to do it if I thought about it too hard. I knew a goodbye was out of the question as well. I could never say goodbye to Kagome. It would break me.

And so silently and without warning, I stepped back towards the well, and climbed in. The last thing I saw was Kagome's eyes grow wide when I let and I could hear her voice shouting my name. My hands instantly cletched together in fists and my eyes closed, trying to hold out the pain. It was impossible.

When I finally arrived back in my own time in a burst of blue light, Miroku, Sango, Shippou, and Kirara were all standing there in surprise. Though they asked no questions, I could feel there gazes upon me silently pleading for an explanation. "Kagome is safe." I told them, and I could speak no more. The aching pain in my chest was quickly becoming more and more painful.

Moving uncharacterically slowly, I dragged my feet quietly over to the Goshinboku where I sprang into the branches. I then simply leaned my back against the tree, folded my hands together, and shut my eyes, trying not to think about what I had done. I have no idea how many hours, or maybe even days I spent up there until I decided I couldn't stand it anymore. Kagome's scent was still too fresh in the village and the pain of knowing she was gone now and forever was more than I could take.

I leapt down from the branches, and was about to run off into the forest, maybe for a day, maybe forever. I didn't know. All I knew was I couldn't stay here until I suddenly heard a voice behind me. "Inuyasha!" It was Miroku. I hesitated for a moment, my eyes flickering to the distance. "Inuyasha!" He yelled, a little more urgently, clearly sensing my unwillingness to stay, but I did, knowing it would be unfair to leave without a word.

"Inuyasha." He panted as he came to me. I scowled at him in annoyance. "What do you want Miroku?"

He ignored my question. "Where are you going Inuyasha?" He asked, and I looked away, unable to answer even if I wanted to.

Miroku was quiet for a moment. "Are you ever going to come back?" He asked quietly, and my head whipped up. Our eyes met before I looked away.

"I don't know." I muttered and I could see him stiffen. He was silent for yet another moment.

"Why did you do it Inuyasha?" He asked me, and I could see the sadness in his eyes. He didn't have to tell me what he was referring to. I knew.

"I had to." I told him, feeling the pain welling up in me once again. "There are other people…other people who need Kagome." I looked down. "Other people who love her…." I murmered quietly.

Miroku's eyes softened as he looked at me and I could see him nod. "I understand."

I turned to go, having nothing else to say but I was stopped in my tracks. "Wait Inuyasha!" Miroku was calling for me once more.

"I know Kagome-sama is gone, but you are still a friend to me, nonetheless." I looked at him and could see he was perfectly serious. "You are one of the best friends I've ever had, and I know Sango feels the same…" He told me, and I was touched, feeling a warmth inside that had become unfamiliar to me since I had left Kagome.

"And though I understand if you must leave now, I hope you will come back and I hope you'll be at Sango and my wedding. We'd really like you to be there." I looked at him, happy that my friends were finally going to be with the ones they loved the way they always wanted to be. At least they'd get a chance to know true happiness.

"When is it?" I asked gruffly, and he let out a breath, apparently relieved by my interest.

"In fourteen days." He told me and I nodded. "I'll be there." I promised before I turned and sprinted off, needing to be alone.

For the next thirteen days, I roamed around aimlessly, leaping from tree to tree, sprinting from village to village, trying desperately to come to terms with what had happened. Kagome was gone. Her chapter in the Sengoku Period had come to an end. She wouldn't be coming back.

I could feel a gap in my heart quickly growing that was more painful than any wound I had ever received in the past. I would rather face Kikyou's arrow a hundred times than endure this loneliness, and this longing for the sweet, infuriating girl from the future that had so utterly and completely stolen my heart.

I cried during those days. I won't admit how much, but I did. It was hard not to when I realized that every hope and dream that had kept me going all these years had be shattered. I had once dared to believe that Kagome would one day tell me she loved me. That one day she'd let me hold her, and kiss her, and touch her like a man touches his women. I had hoped we could get married, and live together in a hut, and have a few children. I had thought it would be possible for us to spend the rest of our lives together.

The more I thought about it during those dark times, the more anguished I felt. Time and time again my claws slashed across the closest tree trunk to me, causing dozens to fall to the ground in a loud crash. During those days away, I destroyed nearly everything that had come in my path, unable to control my rage. Unable to control my pain.

Eventually, after days and days of endless destruction and turmoil, I knew it was time to return back to Kaede's village and keep my promise to Miroku. It was time to do what I had done for years before Kagome had first come. I needed to hide my suffering, hide everything I was feeling. I didn't want anyone to notice how weak I was and how hard it was for me to keep on living as long as that hole in my heart remained.

But I was a survivor. I always had been, even when I had been little more than just a sickly runt with nothing to eat and no where to go. And though I never let myself dwell on it, all hope hadn't died. There was a part of me that continued to dream that one day Kagome would return to me and we would be together like I always wanted. That hope alone was enough to keep me going.

And so I returned to the village, and witnessed the marriage of Miroku and Sango, who I truly counted as friends. Though I never cared much for human ceremonies, I had to admit it was nice. And the two of them looked just looked so happy….

I tried not to think about Kagome and how utterly joyful she'd have been if she could be there. And yet I could so perfectly imagine the smile on her face…the dreamy look in her eye when she…

Obviously it was impossible to go very long without thinking about her. She consumed me, heart, mind, and soul. She had since the moment she called for help and woke me from my cursed sleep, and always would…even if she was no longer here.

After the wedding, I thought I might leave again and go back to the way I had been living since had mainly consisted of destruction and grieving, but I didn't. Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Kirara, and Kaede seemed so pleased that I had returned and I couldn't find it in me to disappoint them. I didn't want to leave them, the only friends I had, like I had been forced to leave Kagome.

Besides, I knew Kagome would want me to stay with them. She had always done her best to show me what it felt like to be loved and accepted. Though it wasn't the same now that she wasn't here, I knew that my friends still felt that way. I was lucky.

And of course, another reason for staying was the reason I was here now, sitting at the edge of the wall, silently begging Kagome to come back. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave the one place she'd arrive if she truly ever did return. And so I came back here viligantly, every three days rain or shine, without expections.

It was painful to come back, but I did anyways. Perhaps I was masochistic, or perhaps I was just too damn hopeful. It didn't matter. Nothing could keep me away.

"Kagome." I sigh yet again. I close my eyes, imagining her beautiful, smiling face as she waves to me, beckoning me towards her. How I would have loved to follow her anywhere she went. Though time had passed, three years now, I still could recall perfectly the way she looked, the sound of her voice, the way she smelled.

I wondered often if she had changed. Did she look older now? Was she still as nice? Had she learned how to control her quick temper? I hope not. I hope nothing had changed about her. I want to believe she was still my sweet, yet fiery Kagome, stronger than anyone I had ever known.

Though she had always had flaws, she had been perfect for me and for those short years we had spent together, she had taught me what it felt like to truly be happy.

Was she happy now? I wondered often. Had she finished that damn school of her's? And had she moved on? Perhaps she found another man to love. Perhaps she had forgotten all about me.

Its questions like this that tortures me endlessly. Though I desperately want her to be happy more than anything and had obviously been willing to part with the one thing that meant most to me in the world, I cannot bear the idea that I may no longer be important to her. Especially since I was so still so utterly in love with her, and completely devoted to her memory.

"Inuyasha!" I suddenly hear a high pitch squeal ring out. "Inuyasha!" I watch with narrowed eyes as Shippou bursts out into the clearing and appears beside me.

"What is it Runt?" I snap frowning at him as I continue to lean against the well.

"Sango and Miroku want us to look after the Twins." He tells me. My scowl deepens.

"I'm not their damn babysitter!" I exclaim, though I know that isn't quite true. I was always looking after their kids these days, especially since Sango gave birth to another son less than a week ago.

"Come on, Inuyasha! Let's go!" Shippou says, ignoring my complaint as he begins to drag me by the sleeve back towards the village. I give him a quick bop on the head in order to get him to let go of me.

I glare at him as he continues to try to hurry me along, but I do follow him though I can't help but to stare at the well one last time before we make our way to the village.

As we enter, I can see Miroku and Sango hanging up some laundry while Kirara lounges peacefully on the ground nearby. I envy her.

"Inuyasha!" Sango exclaims happily when she sees me. "The twins have been asking for you all day." She says with a smile and I look down to see two toddlers grabbing for me with their chubby little hands.

"Doggy! Doggy!" They cry out, and the moment I sit down they instantly glomp onto me, grabbing whatever they can.

After about a half hour of having my ears and hair nearly yanked off my head, a cool breeze suddenly streams through the air causing me to suddenly freeze. Kagome? My mind instantly questions, as I can smell her unique, beautiful scent in the wind.

Silently, I stand up, hardly daring to believe it is possible. My mind has played a numerous amount of cruel tricks on me over these last three years, leading me to believe Kagome had come back when she'd hadn't. I didn't know if I could take anymore disappointments. My heart is broken enough, it doesn't need anymore grief.

And yet…that smell. It is Kagome's. I'd know it anywhere. It was the most beautiful scent in the world. I sniff again, and my nose is filled with it, sending my mind reeling. Kagome!

"Here." I say suddenly, pulling the twins off of my shoulders and handing them to Shippou. "Go slay the Kitsune."

I then quickly take off running, desperate to get to the well. I can hear Miroku and Sango yelling behind me, but I ignore them. All I can think about is Kagome's scent and the hope burning deep inside me.

Racing at my fastest speed, I reach the well at record time and realized it was utterly filled with the scent of Kagome.

I hold my breath as I slowly approached it slowly. My hand begins shaking terribly as I place it inside the well and then to my complete and utter astonishment, I can feel a small hand grasp it tightly.

I nearly cry out in joy and surprise as I grip the hand in return and pulled upward. All a sudden, there she is in front of me. My Kagome. I don't think about how she looks a little older. I don't ponder over why she's here, or how she even got here since the well had closed.

All I could think about was her, and how she had returned to me. I can feel my heart racing, practically ready to explode with all the emotions I'm feeling. Hope, relief, wonder, happiness. Happiness was the main one and I can feel it washing away all the longing and sadness I had felt since the day we parted.

"Kagome.." I say in wonder. I know that my voice is raw with emotion.

"Inuyasha, I'm sorry." She tells me with a small smile as tears spill out her eyes. "Were you waiting?" She asks, but I can't answer her question. I have to feel her in my arms. I have to know she is truly there.

And so I pull her against me suddenly, my heart nearly bursting once again as she settles against my chest. I hold her tightly before I shut my eyes and bury my nose against her neck, desperate to smell her once more. She is here. She is truly here. I haven't imagined it.

Feeling tears of my own begin to well up, I open my eyes and smile softly. "Baka." I say in a gentle tone. "What have you been up too?" I ask, still holding her tight.

She smiles up at me lovingly but before she can respond we both hear the sounds of our friend's shouts. "Kagome! Kagome-chan!"

Though she turns to greet them, I do not let her go. She has returned to me. My hopes and dreams have not been shattered after all. My eyes flutter close again in complete happiness as I feel her take my hand again and give it a small squeeze. I quickly return the gesture.

The sense of peace and joy I feel as Kagome and I begin to stroll to the village with our friends in tow is the most incredible feeling I have ever felt. Though we haven't been able to speak the words yet, I know now that I will be with Kagome the way I always wanted after all. I cannot explain the joy I feel as it floods through me, but I know this is the happiest I've been in my entire life.

Kagome has returned, she has come back and wants to be with me the way I want to be with her. Though there is still a lot of uncertainty and many things we must talk about, I know one thing for certain….I will never leave her again and I will never let her go.

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I'm not really sure how I feel about the ending, particularly because I didn't really want it to end there. Haha. Maybe I'll write a follow up since I've always wanted to do a bit about Kagome and Inuyasha finally confessing their feelings to one another.  
What do you all think?


End file.
